Stop lying about how much you prefer high-quality Blu-ray DVDs and the convenient, infinite Netflix to VHS.
Lying in bed yesterday watching my crystal clear Blu-ray copy of Back To The Future for the fourth time this week I realised something… I need another hobby.
Then after two hours of crying and contemplating my life I realised something else… I miss VHS.
It’s simply not right that a movie should be the same quality the 10th time you watch it as it was the first.
It’s like, can you even call yourself a movie? One of my favourite games to play as a kid was guessing how many times a tape had been watched based on how fuzzy and blurry the opening credits were.
On that note, it’s beyond absurd that there isn’t a wall of static over the most paused moments of a movie. I mean how are you meant to tell where ‘the scene’ is in Jessica Rabbit on a Blu-ray DVD!?
Anyway, I’ve gotten ahead of myself. The actual quality of the image is the least of my complaints.
How about the fun you got to have before you even played the movie? You know what I’m talking about: The epic ‘Mouth v Cassette’ battle you had to have to blow the dust from not just the tape but the VCR player too, simultaneously praying to God that you didn’t just waste $4.75 at Blockbuster (which we happen to miss hard as well).
Then, in the off chance that you did get it working the first time, there was absolutely no guarantee it would play from the start of the movie.
But let’s be honest, the enjoyment of getting the skin ripped from our fingers while manually rewinding the tape back to the beginning was the high we were all searching for.
But that’s not even what I really miss about the undisputed champion of the movie playing world.
I miss the fact that you could actually tape over the top of an existing film in the middle of the recording. No fight scene, no car chase and no Hitchcock finale will ever rival the suspense of wondering if your movie would randomly cut to a home video of Chloe and George’s Bali vacation halfway through.
You know what else I hate? I hate that we can now record any TV show at any time from literally anywhere in the world.
I mean, do you even care about a show or movie if you’re not going through the effort of finding a blank tape, rewinding it to the start and putting it in the VCR at the exact time your movie started? No you don’t, you lazy fuck! Seriously, I now have an unlimited amount of movies and shows at the literal touch of a button rather than only being able to watch what I had recorded on my VHS tapes. It’s an effing joke and I’m almost as angry as that time I found out Will Ferrell isn’t President of the world.
Even if I did want to reach into my archaic vault of DVDs, I’d have over a thousand to choose from, and do you know why?
Because the idiot who invented them thought it would be a great idea to make them 5mm thick, rather than the CORRECT thickness of 25mm, making it possible to store an almost infinite amount! You can’t honestly tell me you don’t miss when your drawers could only fit a maximum of 15 VHS tapes. Plus, it made it sooooo much easier to choose what to watch while staying home alone for the eighth Saturday night in a row.
So, while some of you may call Blu-ray and HD videos ‘progress’, I say it’s time to go back to the future and bring back the tape!
P.S. I’m joking. VHS sucks and I only cried for one hour yesterday.